Fueled by Doubt 36/52


I look at them in their lives and their worlds, they do their things and they live their days.

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I can do that. Look – watch me – I’m doing my things and living my days.

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And then I turn sideways, and vanish.

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Where did I go? All the fear folded in on me.

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It all looked too big, I left. It’s all too familiar, so I run. .I hide from being me.

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How am I not like the other people? Reasons crumple under their own weight and all the ideas dissolve into dust

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Who thought the simple act of being me would become such a challenge, such a confusion, so fueled by doubt.

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When this happens a lot I wonder if I should stop pretending.

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Pretending the other people are real, or pretending I am.

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I wonder at these words and fragments, at what will come next.

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Most people will understand,

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But most people aren’t real. Most people don’t exist.

Full Moon Everything 10/52


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Week 10 began on a full moon. It was a big full week.

Tidal changes of hope and spirit, plans formed and crashed with barely time to get a good grip on them.
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It’s the first week I’ve really found difficult to ‘make’ – in terms of the page, but also I guess in terms of making sense of myself as well. Massive overwhelms kept colliding – giddy highs and their plummeting opposites. It was minimal in comparison with the other weeks in terms of word-spew. Just summed it up in a big fat EVERYTHING.

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Again with all the eyes peering out at me. Even they are looking a bit more deranged than usual this week.

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I can’t tell you how many layers of mismatched colours and unhappy paint coated these pages. It was a nothing’s looking right covered with another no that’s still not it under a coat of wtf really? And then some.

Then the Wednesday came to a close, and that was that, turn over and start again Thursday. Glad to report, this week’s looking more harmonious!